Unforgiven (Ghost Crimes #4)
Content Warning: Stalking, Police, Lesbophobia, Creepy Comments From A Man About a Lesbian, Magical Ritual, Mental Contact, Psychedelia, Spirit Possession
Star tried to hold their breath as they entered the peach perfume dominated back of Raised Spirits, but the best they could do was hold back their reaction. The creaking of the ceiling fan was threatening to break their attention and release a reaction to the scent.
They had only been here once before. The owner, Zlata, had introduced them to their first client here months ago, it looked no different, not even the papers and crystals strewn about the desk, a big wooden slab.
The space around the was meticulous and clean, bare of even dust. A tall lamp beside the desk illuminated the space with just too bright light. Her hair was short and black, framing her wrinkled face reading the papers on her desk.
“You helped Lyuba,” Zlata said, a thick russian accent to her voice. “She told me that you gave her a sense of closure.”
She turned her attention to Star, staring up with dark eyes, her face unmarked by makeup. She wore several beaded bracelets and necklaces over her plain white shirt hanging loosely on her body.
Beside her desk, stood their friend, Silvia. Her dark brown hair was long on her left side, hanging down to just below her chin and cut short on the other side. She had crossed her well muscled arms and stared at her feet.
Their eyes lingered the low cut of her black shirt with the Raised Spirits logo emblazoned on it and to the skin between her thigh high boots and her modest black skirt hanging down just below her knees. They did their best to look away.
“Yes, ma’am. I did my best,” Star said. “But that was months ago. Why talk about this, now?”
“Silvia here,” Zlata motioned to Silvia who was fidgeting beside the desk, “tells me that you don’t just help the living, but also the dead.”
“That’s true,” Star chewed on their lower lip. “Do you have someone who needs help?”
“I will pay double your standard rate because Silvia likes you.”
Star looked aside slightly. They wished they had something to cover their blush. They looked back and Silvia’s cheeks were flushed red.
Zlata continued, “For several years, a local musician called River performed here regularly when we have live music. Last year, xe unfortunately died in a car crash. It was an accident and it was all very sad. I was at xer funeral.”
“And what help would River need of me?”
“I only know the broad strokes, you’d have to ask xer for detail,” Zlata said. “But my understanding is that xe has had a... stalker. Over the past few months, someone has kept going to psychics asking to see xer and, eventually, xer stalker started doing the seances himself. Xe finds it all very unwelcome.”
Star frowned. “And how did you come to know about this?”
Zlata smiled. “Ah, River knew my propensity to spirituality. Xe visited me in a dream and I asked Silvia if she knew how I could help, so she recommended you.”
“I believe I can help with this,” Star said. “And you’re right. I will need to speak with xer. Not just to get more information, but also to build out a safehouse.”
“I have given Silvia a few days of paid leave,” Zlata said, “including making up for lost tips. I can afford it and I would rather you have all the help that you need.”
Silvia’s face was affixed with a strained smile.
Star gave a slight bow. “Thank you for bringing this to my attention and giving me what I need to solve this problem. I’d be happy to help out.”
Zlata waved her arm across her desk and Star fled the backroom. They got halfway out from behind the bar when they felt a warmth on their shoulder.
“Star...” Silvia trailed off.
They held their breath for a few moments. “Yes?”
Several more moments passed before Silvia said, “My motorcycle is out back. I’ll show you to the back exit.”
They left together while Star texted Ezra. Silvia stopped at her motorcycle.
“Thanks.” Silvia smiled to Star. “For helping with this, I mean. I knew River, too. We used to chat after xer shows.”
“I’m happy that it’d be for you, too,” Star said. “But I’m doing this for xer, not for you and certainly not for Zlata.”
“I appreciate that.”
She mounted her motorcycle and Star got on behind. They set off for their apartment together.
Star’s apartment was barely larger than Zlata’s office, but it was free of scents and sounds, with only a small ceiling light, off to allow sunlight to dominate the space.
There was a kitchinette in one corner and a mattress on the floor to the side. The floor was bare and dusty, long neglected by Star’s tight budget. Despite this, their kitchenette had been well stocked for weeks and a small chair had been added to the corner, comfortable, but not big enough to share with guests.
They had set out their meditation mat, with sigils on it forming a circle, and Silvia had set out candles around them. By now, this had become a routine for the two of them.
Star closed their eyes and they heard a lighter in front of them.
They chanted, “River! River! River!”
The lighter clicked and the light that fell on their closed eyes went dark.
“River! River! River!”
The lighter clicked and the room cooled.
“River! River! Ri-”
They were River.
“No, no, no, no, not ag-” Their eyes flew open and there was Silvia crouched in front of them holding a lighter.
“Oh,” they said. “Silvia.”
They rose and threw their arms around their friend who returned the gesture.
“I guess Zlata got the message.”
“Yeah. She asked me who I knew who could help and I told her about my friend, Star, here.”
They broke the hug. “Oh, is that the friend you told me ab-”
“Yes,” Silvia cut in. “And they can hear everything you say.”
Star came back to the front. “And you don’t need to stay in my body. I’ll have some questions for you in a bit, but, for now, I’m going to get this place warded, once a friend of mine gets here, so that you’ll be safe.”
They were only Star.
“How long will Ezra take?”
Star shrugged. “Let me check my phone.”
They checked their phone and they had no messages after Ezra said it was on its way. They shook their head.
“Damn. It’d be nice to have it here.”
“Well,” Star said, “I’m sure it’ll be here soon. Until then, what is it that you told River about that you had to cut xer off?”
“Oh.” Silvia cleared her throat. “Well, I told her about the, ah, amazing things you’re able to do. That’s all. And that wasn’t me cutting xer off. Just letting xer know the situation.”
“I’m not sure I’m convinced that was all,” Star said, ”but I won’t press you.”
“Thanks.” Silvia did her best to smile. “I...”
She trailed off. They were saved from an awkward silence by a knock at the door.
Silvia rose. “I’ll get that.”
She walked past Star. They turned and the door was open. In stepped a tall, lanky person with spiked hair, now dyed deep purple, wearing black fishnet stockings on its arms under a simple black t-shirt and simple black slacks.
“Oh, hey, Ezra,” they said. “I was just waiting for you to get here so that we can get to work on warding this apartment.”
They explained to Ezra what the latest case was and the three of them got to work.
They worked on drawing out sigils of Ezra’s design, a circle broken at the top and bottom with a square inscribed within it and a spiral from one of the corners of the square down to the middle. The sigils were designed to both keep energy and spirits within the apartment in the apartment as well as to break external rituals. They served to draw unconscious connection between what was being attempted and the location they were to be placed.
Star and Silvia went around the apartment using tacks to pin the sigils to the walls of the apartment at regular locations while Ezra worked on a larger replica of the sigil.
They returned to the center of the apartment where Ezra was laying out the larger sigil.
“So,” Star said, “what do we do at this point?”
“Now the two of us,” Ezra said, “meditate on either side of the sigil holding hands. We’ll be intermingling our energy by doing that and begin to infuse it into the central sigil. Then, I’ll begin to form a servitor, a magical construct, in order to maintain the spell’s structure without either of us needing to keep our mind on its maintenance.”
It pulled a knife out from its bag.
“Finally, I’ll use this to form a shallow cut on my hand along with an incantation and use the energy from my blood to give life to this servitor,” it said, “This is necessary because I want to give it a lot of power, and this is what I tend to use for that. Other things can be used to add extra power, such as fire, and still other things can be used to aid in the concentration, like incense. If we were making this to last, I’d recommend using multiple methods of increasing power and aiding in concentration. This is only designed to last for about a week.”
They sat with the sigil between them and took each others hands. They breathed in and out in tandem with Ezra. It’s hand was cold, like a hard metal, its fingers sharp needle heads. The cold went up the whole of its arm, twisted like mess of cables. They traveled along each cable and they all terminated at a central core in the middle of its chest where they twisted into a tight knot.
Cold went up their arm, a metal cable sliding up it and into them, then it continued out of them, out-flowing from their mouth like water from a fountain dropping straight down to the ground. From the knot they found, they grew out of it, bursting out like a sapling coming out of the ground in spring. They hung down to touch the sigil.
The out-flowing cables wove around the sapling they had formed and then broke off from the cables pouring out and the wood still growing. The cables molded the composite of metal and wood, giving it two legs, a head, and one arm with a shield the size of the body and the shape of a kite.
The cold metal touching their hands moved away, but they continued to flow in. There was pressure on the middle of the metal palm and then pain. Black oil drained from the metal and fell upon the creature between them. It shook and then stirred.
“Loyal homunculus,” they spoke, both mouths moving, “I ask of you to protect this space bounded by sigils. I ask that those within stay within. I ask that rituals that try to enter may be broken. I name you, homunculus of mine, Protector and bid that you maintain this barrier.”
A fire washed over them, and then moved beyond, leaving behind only the cold in its wake, expanding until it formed a bubble surrounding the apartment.
They opened their eyes. Ezra held its hand palm up a bit of blood coming from where it had stabbed the middle of its hand. It rose and hurried to the kitchenette to grab two paper towels. It wiped down the knife, then pressed the other one to its hand.
Star closed their eyes again. The spoke under their breath. “River, River, River.”
A moment passed. They were River again, but still Star.
“These wards should protect you,” Star whispered. “Stay within the bounds of the sigils and your stalker can’t bother you any longer. I will find who is doing this and convince them to end it.”
River whispered back in their voice. “Thank you.” A hesitation. “Silvia cares deeply for you. You shouldn’t have any fear for how things will turn out.”
They bit their lower lip. “Thank you.” They raised their voice. “I would like to know what you know about who’s doing this to you.”
“What I know about him is limited,” River said. “About a month after I died a psychic summoned me to his body with someone I didn’t recognize. But I recognized what he was talking about. He cried and apologized for the car accident that killed me.”
They sighed. “Which was fine, I guess. But then, he did it again the next week and the week after. There were gaps, presumably when he visited frauds, and there were different psychics who summoned me. Each new body I found myself in, he used a new name. He’s tall, red hair, and freckles and he always wears an expensive suit. I figure he must be rich. Eventually it stopped being psychics and he just started doing the seances himself. Once that happened, it started happening multiple times a week. It’s been draining to deal with.”
“Sounds like,” Ezra said, a paper towel held against its hand, “he’s developed an unhealthy relationship to your death. Which would be fine, if he didn’t make it your problem.”
River grimaced. “And it sounds like anyone with actual talent who he went to figured out what was up eventually, and he learned how to differentiate between real talents and scams.”
“So then,” Silvia said, “what should we do?”
“Find him. Force him to confront the harm he’s been doing. Make his unhealthy relationship to his grief his problem, not mine.”
Silvia smiled. “Sounds like a plan.”
“How long will it take for me to get the copy of the accident report?”
Coffee infused the air of the police station. People chattered all around them and the florescent light in the ceiling flickered and buzzed. The combined sensory experience made it difficult for Star to concentrate on the woman at the desk wearing a bored expression. Silvia’s hand on their shoulder helped to keep them calm.
“I don’t know, sir.” They winced when she said that. “You’ll need to fill the forms out first and then I can file them and then I can say how long this will take.”
“Ok, ok,” they said, “I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t wasting my time before filling this out. I’ll get it ready for you in a moment.”
They returned to a hard backed folding chair with a clipboard and some paper on it. They filled it out slowly, staring down at it.
“It’ll be ok.” Silvia squeezed their shoulder. “They’re not going to do anything improper in the middle of the station.”
Their breathing slowed. They hadn’t realized how quick it had gotten.
“Yes. I just don’t have good experiences in police stations.”
They leaned against Silvia and filled out the rest of the form. They rose and returned to the desk, handing it to the receptionist.
“Let me know when this would be available.” They fixed a smile to their face. “Thank you.”
The lady took it and made a phone call. She asked about the file and gave some of the information on the forms, including their deadname. Then she hung up and turned back to them.
“I’m sorry, but the arrest report isn’t on file right now. I won’t be able to send this to you for another two months. Do you still want it?”
They grimaced. “No, don’t bother. Thank you anyway.”
They left in a hurry and regrouped at Silvia’s motorcycle where they fumbled out a cigarette with shaky hands. Silvia light it for them and they took a long drag of it, blowing their anxiety out with the smoke. Silvia gently put a hand on their back and let them calm down.
They took another drag of their cigarette. “It’s ok. I’ve calmed down.”
Silvia smiled to them. “So where should we go next?”
“I could ask a friend to get the files anyway, but I don’t want to do that unless I have to. I think I should just talk to the psychics who channeled River. He used a fake name, but I doubt he paid in cash.” They frowned. “I don’t expect much. Psychics usually maintain their client’s confidentiality.”
They donned their helmets and mounted the motorcycle. Star put their arms around Silvia’s waist.
“Say, Silvia,” they said. “Once this is all over, we should talk.”
Silence hung in the air. Silvia said, “We should.”
The motorcycle roared and they left the station.
As Star expected, every psychic they’d seen hadn’t given them much. They said they might have had a client like that and that their clients expected them to maintain their privacy and, if someone like that was visiting them, they had recommended that he talk to someone else.
The last one on the list had an office in a small strip mall, flanked by a dentist and a weed shop. A small placard sat in the window that read, Cezary’s Psychic Consultations. A small bell jingled when they walked in.
A receptionist with long black hair looked up from his desk. “Hi. Welcome to Cezary’s. Do you have an appointment?”
Star shook their head. “I’m a colleague, not a client.” They pulled out a business card and handed it to the receptionist.
He read it over, then called back, “Cezary, you have a colleague here to see you.”
They stood there a few moments, then the door to the back opened. The person who stepped out had short greying hair on a face which had only the beginnings of wrinkles. He grinned wide.
“Come on in... What’re your names?”
“I’m Star,” they said. “This is my friend Silvia. I’m a psychic and here to talk about a client.”
Cezary led them in and sat them down at two chairs. “So what can I help you with?”
They cleared their throat. “I recently got contacted by a friend of Silvia’s who introduced me to a ghost called River. Xe told me about how someone keeps trying to get xer channeled, initially through various psychics, and eventually just doing it himself. He killed xer in a car accident and he kept apologizing to xer.”
Cezary frowned and looked down at his desk. “I might know something about someone like that. But I can’t speak details because of a confidentiality agreement. You understand.”
“Yes. I’m sorry for wasting-”
Cezary waved a his hand cutting them off. “I didn’t say I had nothing to provide for you.”
Star shut their mouth.
“If I had a client like that,” Cezary continued, “which maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. I would have certainly found the way he asked me to participate in his obsession uncomfortable. And I was certainly not interested in recommending another psychic for him to keep doing this. I had hoped that, if I referred him to a bookstore with resources on this sort of thing, he wouldn’t be able to tell the crap from the pearls. It seems like my hoping was misguided and I would like to extend to River my deepest apologies for whatever role I played in this.”
“Would you be able to tell me what bookstore you sent him to?”
Cezary grinned. “I certainly could.”
A bell jingled and their nose was assaulted with incense. Books lined the walls of the Mystic Eye, some of them were nonsense, but Psybermagic, the Book of Thoth, and a Garden of Pomegranates, all of which were genuine, were in the mix as well. The proprietor was an woman with greying hair and a pentagram necklace dressed in a loose shirt and pleated skirt.
“Um, excuse me.” Star walked up to the counter. “I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.”
The woman spoke with an airy voice. “I hope the spirits have kept you well. How may I help you?”
They let out a deep sigh. “I’m here on business. You don’t need to... Whatever. I’m a professional psychic and I’m hear on behalf of a ghost.”
“Oh.” The woman’s voice dropped the airy quality. “Well, uh, how can I help you, then?”
“I’m trying to find someone who was referred here by a colleague of mine called Cezary. He’s been harassing a ghost and I want to ask him to stop. He would’ve been in here looking for books on seances and the like.”
The woman bit her lower lip. “If that’s true, I’d be happy to help you. I wouldn’t want to be party to such things. But how am I to know you’re telling the truth?”
“What would I be able to do for you to believe me?”
“Show me some magic.”
They stepped forward to the counter. “Can you hold out your hand so I can hold it?” She complied and they took it. “Close your eyes and breath slowly.”
They closed their eyes as they spoke. They breathed in, and then out. There was slight movement to the air from her breath and they matched theirs with hers. They reached out and her hand fell apart into dust, but they were still holding it.
They breathed in and drew the dust in, and breathed out, extending out of their mouth as they did. Her whole arm crumbled and then her upper body followed. They breathed more of the dust in and extended further out as they did.
Soon, nothing remained before them beside dust. Their breath filled the space. They opened their eyes.
The woman across from them was staring. “That was amazing. I’ll get you the information you need.”
They left the store with a name, Teàrlach, written down on a piece of paper.
“Well, I hope I can get some information from this.”
“Huh,” Star said, “I know one of his coworkers.”
They had their laptop out in their apartment and the webpage for Teàrlach’s accounting firm open.
Silvia put a hand on their shoulder and leaned over to look at the laptop.
“Who is it?”
“Do you remember the grave-robbery?”
“I do.”
“This guy,” Star said, “is the son of the guy who’s grave was robbed. Not the one who did it, but his golden boy.”
“Can you contact him?”
“No,” they said, “but I know who could.”
They pulled out their phone and quickly texted Father Aaron, do u stl hve cntctt wth theo? i nd 2 tllk to 1 off hs cwrkrs nd thght he cd hlp st tht up. its 2 hlp a lst soul fnd peace.
“You never text me like that.”
Star grinned at her. “Yeah, well, you’re not a Catholic priest.”
They looked down at their phone, but Silvia put her hand on top of theirs.
“It’s getting late. He won’t be able to get you a meeting until tomorrow,” she said. “Earlier you said that we should talk. Now would be a good time to do that.”
They put down their phone and swallowed. “I said once this was all over.”
“I know. And I don’t think it should wait.”
“Yeah. Well. Um.” They felt their cheeks heating up and they took a deep breath. “Yeah, ok. We can talk now, I suppose. That works.”
She gave their shoulder a slight squeeze and remained silent.
Star cleared their throat. “It’s just that, um, we’ve been friends for a long time and I just... I don’t want to, um... Well, like, it’s just that I really like you and I don’t know what to say exactly...”
They looked away from her, trailing off.
She gently put a hand against their face and turned it to look back at her. “I know. I feel that way too.”
Their lips met and nothing else mattered.
The room crackled and static electricity leapt up from the floor. They broke the kiss. The room was crushing them, dragging them down toward nothingness.
A voice came to them from deep within a tunnel. “Are you ok?”
Then the moment passed. They took a deep breath centering their breathing.
And they chanted. “River. River. River.”
They were River.
“Whatever you did worked,” they said. “I felt the pull of it. It wasn’t for me, but I felt it anyway. You’ll need to talk to your friend to work some stuff out with this.”
“What happened?” Sylvia said. “You were on the ground and now I can’t tell which one of you is talking.”
They lowered their head and they were only Star.
“I’m sorry.” They shook their head. “I needed to make sure my charge was ok before continuing. It was time sensitive. It seems like xer stalker tried to do another seance and I took the brunt of the pull.”
She pulled them in for a hug. “Are you ok?”
They rested their head on her shoulder and put their arms around her.
“Never been better.”
Coffee filled Star and Silvia’s noses when they walked into the cafe. The chatter of people in the shop was distracting, but was manageable.
Theo was sitting with a newspaper and a coffee alone at a table with two extra seats. He was dressed in a suit with slicked back black hair. He rose and grinned at them, waiving them over.
“I don’t know what you did, Star,” Theo said, without allowing a chance for them to speak, “but mère and Tatienne say you did us a great favor last time we spoke.”
Star smiled to him, then sat at one of the chairs, letting Silvia seat herself. “It’s really no problem. I was just doing my job. Which is what I’m here to talk to you about.”
“Ah,” Theo said. “It’s work, not pleasure. A shame given the beauty you came here with.”
“She wouldn’t be interested, anyway,” they said. “She’s not particularly interested in men.”
“What a shame. So many beauties lost that way.” He bowed his head in mock solemnity and Star winced. “Anyway, what is it that you needed to speak to me about?”
“I’m helping a client like I was the last time we spoke,” Star said, “and they have particular business with one of your associates, Teàrlach. I have been asked to set up a meeting with him to resolve their dispute.”
Theo took a long slurp from his coffee. “You talk like the assholes at HR. But you did my family a solid, so I’ll help out. I’ll arrange a meeting with him over lunch. What should I tell him you are?”
“Tell him that, last night, I’m the one who stopped him from seeing the one who’s life he took.”
Theo narrowed his eyes. “I heard about the car accident and the death, but I don’t know how you could’ve stopped him from visiting her grave.”
Star shrugged. “You don’t need to understand it. He will.”
“I’ll text that priest when and where you can meet him.”
Star rose and took Silvia’s hand. The two of them walked out of the coffee shop. They mounted Silvia’s motorcycle and took the short drive back to the apartment.
Their walk up to the apartment was blocked by a tall blonde woman leaning against the door with her arms crossed glowering at them.
“Looking into a car accident? Are you interested in robbing another grave?”
Star sighed. “Hi, Lisa. It’s always nice to meet you and your baseless accusations. I’d like to enter my home.”
Lisa stepped to the side raising her hands, palm facing forward. “Oh, by all means. I have no interest in stopping you. I’m just letting you know that I’m watching you. Your scams won’t go on forever.”
Silvia grinned at her. “Thank you so much for letting us know. We’ll have to take that into consideration. Have a wonderful day.”
They entered the apartment together.
When they crossed the threshold, they were River.
“So how did it go?”
Silvia stared a second, then said, “Oh, River. It went well. The guy we met with owes Star, so he’s setting up a meeting over lunch.”
River hesitated, then spoke. “I’ll admit, I’m nervous about this. But I don’t think that Star could get him off without me there.”
Silvia put a hand on their shoulder. “It’ll be ok, River. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. But this isn’t Star’s first time doing this and I’ll be there with you.”
They took a deep breath, slowing their heart rate. “I trust you, Silvia. So I trust Star.”
They were only Star once more.
Star wrinkled their nose at the smell of steak as they entered the restaurant. Tacky paintings covered the walls illuminated by cheap florescent lights, humming softly as background noise.
“I really wish,” Star said, “Theo would stop setting up meetings for me here.”
“I’m not sure he cares if you don’t like it here.”
A hostess greeted them and directed them to their table.
Cologne overwhelmed them as they approached a table with a broad shouldered man with short cropped red hair, messy and uncombed sitting there. He had bags around his light eyes. He wore a messy, but expensive, black suit with a loosely tied red tie. He stood with a frown and extended his hand to them.
Star and Silvia sat at the table and he had to drop his extended hand.
“So,” Teàrlach said, “why has Theo told me I must meet with the two of you?”
Star met his eyes, briefly, then looked down and to the side. They cleared their throat. “I’m here on behalf of River to mediate the growing problem between the two of you.”
His mouth opened, then closed. He looked down at his food, a steak, for a moment. “Are you here to give me absolution?”
Star shook their head. “I don’t think I could even if I wanted to. You need to figure that out yourself. I’m here to ask you to stop summoning xer. It’s making xer incredibly uncomfortable. When I saw xer, I was operating on xer request, and, yet, xe began the meeting with a panic about if I was you summoning xer again.”
Teàrlach put his fork down, but not his knife. “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, here. I’ve only sought... What was it you referred to River with? Xer?” Star nodded. “I’ve only sought xer out to make amends for what I’ve done to xer.”
“Have you considered,” Silvia cut in, “that xe might not care about you making amends? All you’re doing is making your problems xer problems.”
“And who,” Teàrlach said, pointing to Silvia, “are you?”
“I’m a friend of River’s. I got them,” Silvia pointed to Star with her thumb, “on this job.”
“And what gives the two of you some special insight into what xe wants?”
“I’ve spoken with xer,” Star said. “Xe asked for this.”
Teàrlach took a bite of his steak and took his time eating it. He shook his head. “I don’t believe you. One of the psychic freaks who got annoyed with me put you up to it. All I’ve done is make amends.”
“All you’ve done,” Silvia snapped, “is be an ass-”
Star cut in. “River. River. River.”
They were River.
Teàrlach creased his brow, “What’s that supposed-”
River said, “They are telling the truth.”
Teàrlach’s mouth hung open.
“I don’t want you to try to contact me ever again.”
“I’m so sorry.” He bowed his head. “I never meant to hit you like I did.”
River scoffed. “Ugh. Even when I’m telling you quite directly, you don’t get it.”
They were only Star, again.
“I know,” he said. “I can’t understand your pain. I can only understand how I hurt you. How I should’ve been more careful.”
Star cleared their throat. “Xe left already.”
“I wish xe hadn’t,” he said. “I wish I could’ve done more to make amends before xe left.”
“If you want to make amends,” Star said, “then the first step is to stop continuing to inflict harm upon xer.”
“I’m not inflicting harm,” he snapped. “All I’ve been doing is say I’m sorry.”
“You are stalking xer.” Star glared at him. “Xe exists in fear of you. You killed xer, yes, and now you are making xer life after death into hell.”
Teàrlach stared at his food for several moments. “Why?” he said. “I thought this was what I was supposed to do with my guilt. To seek absolution from those I harmed. To get forgiveness. I’ve already seen priests about this, but none of them could give me the absolution I needed.”
Star reached out and put a hand on his, the dark of their skin contrasted with the pale of Teàrlach’s. “You don’t need someone else to forgive you for this. If you had, the first priest you saw would’ve been enough or the first time you spoke to River would’ve been enough. It is neither your god nor River’s spirit who have failed to forgive you. And they don’t need to.”
“Then who does need to?”
Star hesitated. “The harm you did to River isn’t about you. Xe has no need to forgive you because it’s xer harm, not yours. Xe only has an obligation to xerself to treat xerself fairly and with kindness. To find peace in xer death and to figure out how to move on.” They paused a moment. Teàrlach remained silent. “You don’t need xer forgiveness, either. The problem you have is that you haven’t forgiven yourself. And you’ve spent all the time since making that everyone else’s problem.”
“How could I possibly do that?” Teàrlach said. “How could I possibly forgive myself?”
“I don’t know,” they said. “I can’t answer that question for you. This is something you need to work through for yourself.” They paused a moment. “I do think you’d probably benefit from seeing a therapist about this. It’s not a silver bullet to resolving your problems, but you can afford it and it’ll do you more help than stalking River.”
He frowned. “Ok. I can see a therapist.”
“You won’t be able to talk with River again,” they said. “I’m perfectly capable of stopping anyone from being able to contact xer. I will be able to tell if you try.”
He swallowed. “I won’t try.”
Star smiled at him. “I do hope you can get the help you need.”
They rose alongside Silvia and took her hand. The two walked out of the restaurant together.
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